Here is the current list of Alternative Professions. Based mainly on what we look like, (and, I'd just like to stress, it's how we are seen by others. We are not allowed to make up our own) this is a whimsical view of what musicians might have done for a living had they not chosen the path of daytime television and never having a new car.
ALTERNATIVE PROFESSIONS BRUCE ADAMS......................PRESIDENT OF EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY DOMINIC ALLDIS..................FRENCH RIVIERA CAT BURGLAR BRANDON ALLEN..................HIGH CLASS PIMP HARRY ALLEN.......................MAJOR LEAGUE BASE-BALL PLAYER SIMON ALLEN.......................BOOKIE'S RUNNER GILL ALEXANDER..................HEAD OF M I 5 ARGUILLES BROS..................VENETIAN GONDALIERS MARK ARMSTRONG................ARCHBISHOP'S ASSISTANT VIC ASH...............................CRIMINAL MASTERMIND GILAD ATZMON....................HEART TRANSPLANT SURGEON DOMINIC ASHWORTH............AXE MURDERER ROBIN ASPLAND...................ARCHAEOLOGIST / ADVENTURER ROY BABBINGTON.................POACHER KEN BALDOCK......................GUIDE-DOG TRAINER GARY BALDWIN....................LANDSCAPE GARDENER......"nice bit of lawn, couple o' beds.....your talking at least ten grand" IAN BALLAMY.......................COFFEE-BAR WAITER DENYS BAPTISTE...................ALL DAY BREAKFAST CAFE PROPRIETER GUY BARKER.........................PEOPLE'S PEER ALAN BARNES....................... TICKET COLLECTOR ON CHANNEL TUNNEL SERVICES (Temporary appointment; see contact page) JOHN BARNES.......................CRICKET UMPIRE DAVE BARRY.........................CELEBRITY CHEF COLIN BATES....................... PALEONTOLOGIST PETE BEACHILL.....................VILLAGE BOBBY TED BEAMONT......................NIGHT WATCHMAN ROGER BEAUJOLAIS..............GROOM GORDON BECK......................LONG TERM PRISONER SIR RICHARD RODNEY BENNET.........DEFROCKED PRIEST PETER BILLINGTON................ASSISTANT ZOO-KEEPER DAVE BISHOP........................DEBT COLLECTOR PAUL BOOTH.........................CABARET ARTIST MIKE BRADLEY......................TV REPAIRMAN NATHAN BRAY.......................STOCKMARKET TRADER JEREMY BROWN....................OSTRICH FARMER STEVE BROWN......................TOUR DE FRANCE CYCLIST BILL BRUFORD......................TREE SURGEON SAM BURGESS.......................GO-KART ATTENDANT RICHARD BUSIAKIEWICZ......RACE HORSE OWNER GENE CALDARAZZO............."EXTRA, EXTRA, READ ALL ABOUT IT"....or SHOESHINE, JANUZ CARMELLO.................CAPTAIN OF A SMALL CAR FERRY MIKE CARR...........................WRESTLING REFEREE BEN CASTLE.........................KEY GRIP GEOFF CASTLE.....................DOLPHIN FEEDER MARIO CASTRONARI.............KIDNAPPER'S RIGHT HAND MAN PETE CATER..........................HOSPITAL PORTER DAVE CHAMBERLAIN.............VENTRILOQUIST'S DUMMY KELVIN CHRISTIANE.............THEATRE SET DESIGNER NIGEL CLARK.......................ASSASSIN PAUL CLARVIS.....................COSMONAUT BEN CLATWORTHY...............BIG BROTHER CONTESTANT LEON CLAYTON....................PROPRIETER OF A FANCY-DRESS SHOP ANDY CLEYNDERT................RENT BOY DAVE CLIFF.........................PAINTER AND DECORATOR WINSTON CLIFFORD............BUS CONDUCTOR JEFF CLYNE.........................PARK-KEEPER TONY COE...........................MAZE DESIGNER DAVE COLTON.....................COPPER'S NARK PETER COOK.......................TATTOO ARTIST ELLIE CORP.........................FLORIST LAWRENCE COTTLE.............MILKMAN DUNSTAN COULBER......GRANDSON OF THE MAN WHO OWNS "THE CHAIR CENTRE" NEXT TO ARNOS GROVE TUBE STATION JAY CRAIG..........................BENT COP MALCOLM CREESE................JEHOVAH'S WITNESS JOHN CRITCHENSON............MAGICIAN MARK CROOKS.....................P.E. TEACHER GARY CROSBY......................SHEPHERD ANDY CROWDY....................IRONMONGER PAT CRUMLY........................SHEEP SHEARER JAMIE CULLUM....................ACTOR MITCH DALTON...................TV HISTORIAN ALEC DANKWORTH..............TORTURER JACQUI DANKWORTH...........NURSE SIR JOHN DANKWORTH..............DECKCHAIR ATTENDANT TIM DAWES........................STILL LIFE PAINTING INSTRUCTOR FOR ADULT EDUCATION CLASSES BRIAN DEE.........................ROMAN CENTURION ELAINE DELMAR..................MUD-WRESTLER ANDY DICKENS....................WINCHESTER TOWN CRIER BARNABY DICKENSON..........SHIRTMAKER IAIN DIXON.........................OWNER OF COCONUT SHY.........CARAVAN...(TWO SMALL CHILDREN....T-SHIRTS, NO PANTS) JOHN DONALDSON...............DRAMA TEACHER PHIL DONKIN......................PAVEMENT ARTIST JIM DOUGLAS......................TUG-BOAT ENGINEER..."There's things goin' roon an' roon when they should be goin' up and doon"! KIT DOWNES.......................PHOTOGRAPHY STUDENT (NOTTINGHAM) MARTIN DREW.....................CHILEAN DICTATOR MALCOLM EARL SMITH.........EDITOR OF 'WHAT CARAVAN' MAGAZINE MARK EDWARDS.................JEWSON'S TRADE SALES (THE LUCKY ONE WHO GETS TO WORK INDOORS) KENNY ELLIS......................IMPRESSIONIST PAINTER JOHN ETHRIDGE..................OPEN UNIVERSITY LECTURER IN FINE ARTS DIGBY FAIRWEATHER..........PSYCHIATRIC NURSE GEORGIE FAME...................BINGO CALLER THE FISHWICK BROTHERS.......REFUGEES FROM EASTERN EUROPEAN COUNTRY (see Bruce Adams) LIZ FLETCHER.....................REFLEXOLOGIST MARK FLETCHER.................SWIMMING POOL ATTENDANT ROBERT FOWLER................MID-SHIPMAN NIGEL FOX.........................INVENTOR NICK FRANCE.....................SAILING INSTRUCTOR ADRIAN FRY.......................VINTAGE MOTORBIKE AND SIDECAR COLLECTOR TIM GARLAND.....................NOVELIST ALEX GARNETT.....................TURKISH BATH ATTENDANT MICHAEL GARRICK..............SHERIFF OF NOTTINGHAM GEOFF GASGOINE...............GAY PORN STAR JONATHAN GEE....................HIGH WIRE ACT LEE GIBSON........................WRAF OFFICER ADAM GLASSER ..................PETROL PUMP MAINENANCE MAN MIKE GORMAN....................ENGLAND CRICKET CAPTAIN DAVE GREEN.......................PUBLICAN LEON GREEN.......................STOCK EXCHANGE TRADER LEON GREENING.................DOOR TO DOOR TEA-TOWEL SELLER FRANK GRIFFITHS...............FOSSIL CURATOR AT THE JOHN 'O GROATS HISTORY CENTRE MALCOLM GRIFFITHS...........DENTIST STUART HALL......................ROAD-SWEEPER ANDY HAMILL......................ASSISTANT IN CHRISTIAN BOOK-SHOP JEFF HAMILTON....................HAIR-STYLE PHOTOGRAPHER'S MODEL SCOTT HAMILTON................WESTERN FRONTIER PROFESSIONAL GAMBLER MICK HANSON......................PRISON WARDER ( HAVING RETIRED FROM 14TH HUSSARS (INDIA) ) JIM HART............................THE ACCUSED GRAHAM HARVEY.................VALET JIMMY HASTINGS.................BISHOP BENJAMIN HERMAN..............FASHION PHOTOGRAPHER PHIL HEY............................C.N.N ANCHORMAN SPIKE HEATLEY...................BANK ROBBER DAVE O' HIGGINS................CO-PILOT CHRIS HILL.........................UMPTEENTH PERSON TO ROW ACROSS THE ATLANTIC NIGEL HITCHCOCK..............CASTAWAY MARK HODGSON.................GOALKEEPER LAURIE HOLLOWAY.............MAITRE D' MATT HOME........................ DAIRYMAN (FARM) JACK HONEYBOURNE...........SAMARATIN'S COUNCILLOR JOHN HORLER......................DOG BREEDER GARY HUSBAND...................LION TAMER ATILA HUSEYIN....................PERSIAN CARPET VENDOR MICK HUTTON......................TUBE DRIVER BRIAN IDDENHAM................EDITOR OF THE DAILY SPORT PETER IND...........................GOD ERIKO ISHIHARE..................ACUPUNCTURIST NIKKI ILES........................HEALTH CLUB MANAGER ALAN JACKSON....................GREYHOUND TRAINER BARBARA JAY.......................EASYJET CHECK-IN LADY TERRY JENKINS....................MARKET STALL WATCH SALESMAN GORDON JOHNSON..............CANOE SALESMAN... MIDWEST MOUNTAINEERING DAVE JONES........................ROWING-BOAT RENTAL ATTENDANT JULIAN JOSEPH....................KING CHRIS KARAN.......................CAMEL DRIVER BRIAN KELLOCK...................FOOTBALL HOOLIGAN RING-LEADER THAD KELLY.........................MANAGER OF BLOCKBUSTERS (RUISLIP) STACEY KENT.......................WIMBLEDON CHAMPION 1985 STEPHEN KEOGH..................VAMPIRE ANTHONY KERR....................POND DESIGNER TRUDY KERR........................THOMSON'S HOLIDAY TOUR GUIDE CAROL KIDD.........................TESCO CHECKOUT LADY PETE KING (OF RONNIE'S)......RETIRED ASSASSIN..(NEVER USED GUNS...PREFERRED MORE SILENT METHODS) PETER KING.........................GRAVE DIGGER SEBASTIAAN DE KROM..........PGA GOLF CHAMPION PAUL LACEY..........................NUCLEAR POWERSTATION OWNER ORLANDO LA FLEMING...........CRICKETER CLEO LAINE..........................WIFE OF TUTANKHAMUN DUNCAN LAMONT..................EDINBURGH TOUR-GUIDE TIM LAPTHORN......................VIZ CARTOONIST PHIL LEE...............................PALL BEARER BRIAN LEMON........................PRIVATE DETECTIVE...OR....MASTER OF THE HOUNDS DAVE LEWIS..........................CLASSIC FM DISC JOCKEY MARTIN LITTON.....................SECRETARY OF THE DRONES CLUB MORNINGTON LOCKETT..........MORRIS DANCER STEVE LODDER......................LAND SURVEYOR PETE LONG...........................PANTOMIME DAME HENRY LOWTHER..................CHAMPION ROSE GROWER INGRID LAUBROCK................LONG DISTANCE RUNNER CHRIS LAURENCE..................LONDON CABBIE GARETH LOCKRANE..............ESTATE AGENT (NORTHERN ROCK) HUMPHREY LYTTELTON.........PROFESSOR OF MODERN LANGUAGES ADRIAN MACKINTOSH...........FARMER.....RESPONSIBLE FOR THE MOST RECENT OUTBREAK OF FOOT AND MOUTH ANDY MACKINTOSH..............PROFESSOR POTTY.........CHILDRENS ENTERTAINER RICHARD MADGWICK...........LIGHTHOUSE-KEEPER........STROMNESS BOB MAGNUSSON................QUIZ-SHOW HOST TRISTAN MAILLOT.................SKI INSTRUCTOR TINA MAY.............................ASSISTANT AT SEFRIDGE'S PERFUME DEPARTMENT GEORGIA MANCIO................ CLAIRE MARTIN....................RECEPTIONIST FOR "STOCKWELL ESCORTS " .."he'll be wiv you in twenny minits luv" ANDREW McCORMACK..........APOLLO TOM MELITO........................ATTORNEY AT LAW STEVE MELLING...................LIBRARIAN TONY McCLENNAN................DODGEMS MONEY COLLECTOR RICHARD MICHAEL...............WILD WEST STOREKEEPER MATT MILES.........................PLAYWRIGHT CRAIG MILVERTON...............BOUNCER MARK MONDESIR.................FLOOD VICTIM MICHAEL MOORE..................DISCIPLE PAUL MORGAN.....................DISGRACED MP MALCOLM MORTIMORE.........MALE NURSE JIM MULLEN.........................MEGAPLEX BOWLING SHOE ATTENDANT DEREK NASH.......................CINEMA MANAGER JASMINE NELSON.................NUN DAVE NEWTON....................RUSSIAN SUBMARINE OFFICER MARK NIGHTINGALE............MET OFFICER (TRAFFIC ) RICHARD NILES...................BRAIN SURGEON LIAM NOBLE.........................CLERK AT BROMLEY UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICE DAVE O' HIGGINS................CO-PILOT DAVE OHM...........................CENTRAL HEATING ENGINEER PAT O'LEARY.......................WINDOW CLEANER BOBBY ORR..........................SECURITY GUARD MIKE OUTRAM......................YOUR DAUGHTER'S BOYFRIEND COLIN OXLEY.......................OPTICIAN ANDY PANAYI.......................SUICIDE BOMBER EVAN PARKER......................ENVIRONMENTAL HEALTH OFFICER JOHN PARRICELLI................TONY......NEPHEW OF 'THE BIG MAN'......"YOUDON'FUCKWITMEE......IDON'FUCKWICHOO..OK"? RON PARRY..........................BOMB DISPOSAL EXPERT KEN PEPLOWSKI..................UNDERTAKER JAMES PEARSON..................RACING GREYHOUND TRAINER DICK PIERCE.......................UNEMPLOYED JOHN PIERCE.......................NAVAL OFFICER COURTNEY PINE...................LEADER OF RELIGIOUS SECT KING PLEASURE...................BARBER JAMES POWELL....................WEALTHY LANDOWNER....(FITZROVIA AND MOST OF SCOTLAND) TRISTAN POWELL.................REPORTER FOR GQ MAGAZINE GERARD PRESCENCER..........BLUE PETER PRESENTER NICK PRESTON.....................BUCCANEER JOHN RAE & BRIAN SHEILS.....KWIK FIT FITTERS RONNIE RAE (SENIOR).......... RAILWAY SLEEPINGCAR PORTER CATHY RAE.........................CHAMBERMAID SYLVIA RAE.........................FISH FILLETER JASON REBELLO..................ICE CREAM VENDOR JOHN REES-JONES...............BUS TIMETABLE COMPILER ZOE RHAMAN......................AIR STEWARDESS JIM RICHARDSON................BAGGAGE HANDLER....HEATHROW MARK RIDOUT.....................JUGGLER OSIAN ROBERTS..................UNDERMANAGER....MOSS BROS PHIL ROBSON......................ODDBINS ASSISTANT SEBASTIAN ROCHFORD........BY-PASS PROTESTER DENNIS ROLLINS..................ARSENAL CENTRE FORWARD STEVE ROSE........................SPECIAL NEEDS CARE ASSISTANT ANNIE ROSS........................MADAM KENRICK ROWE...................JUDGE STEVE RUBIE .......................TAILOR PETE SABERTON..................GERMAN SPY RALPH SALMINS..................TRENDY VICAR KAREN SHARP.....................M&S SENIOR CUSTOMER SERVICES OFFICER IAN SHAW...........................BIN-MAN MARTIN SHAW.....................RACING DRIVER BRIAN SHEILS.....................(SEE JOHN RAE) DAVE SHEPHERD..................TV EVANGELIST ANDY SHEPPARD..................KEY CUTTER BOBBY SHEW.......................DUCK HUNTER JULIAN SIEGAL....................WEDDING PHOTOGRAPHER JEFF SIMKINS.......................STEAM TRAIN DRIVER ASAF SIRKIS.......................LONG DISTANCE LORRY DRIVER LEN SKEAT...........................DOUBLE AGENT MATT SKELTON.....................BUTTONS ALAN SKIDMORE...................HOLIDAY COACH DRIVER GWILYM SIMCOCK................MEDICAL STUDENT DAVE SMITH.........................DEEP SEA DIVER DENNIS SMITH.....................CIVIL SERVANT TOMMY SMITH......................WINE WAITER ARNIE SOMOGYI...................DRIVER IN CAR ADVERTISEMENT MARTIN SPEAKE...................WASHING MACHINE SOAP POWDER SCIENTIST SIMON SPILLET....................SNOOKER PLAYER BRYAN SPRING.....................PROPRIETER OF A GUN SHOP NEIL STACEY........................WAR CORRESPONDENT LUKE STEELE........................OWNER OF A RECENTLY INHERITED SHOE FACTORY NAT STEELE.........................SUPPLIER OF SURF BOARDS AND SURFING ACCESSORIES CURTIS STIGERS..................CHIP (CALIFORNIA HIGHWAY PATROL) KATHY STOBART...................CLAIRVOYANT JULIAN STRINGLE................INTERIOR DESIGNER COLM O' SULLIVAN...............OBITUARIST STAN SULZMANN.................RETIRED UK HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION BOXER JOHN SURMAN.....................COBBLER JOHN TAYLOR......................PROFESSOR OF TIME TRAVEL.....CAMBRIDGE UNIVERSITY MARTIN TAYLOR..................SCRAP METAL DEALER CLARE TEAL.........................CHEESE MAKER ART THEMAN.......................BANKNOTE FORGER IAN THOMAS.......................CARPET FITTER SIMON THORPE....................ESCAPOLOGIST KIETH TIPPET......................FARM LABOURER ENRICO TOMASSO...............RAC RECOVERY MAN TREVOR TOMKINS...............TRAFFIC WARDEN JIM TOMLINSON..................CAPTAIN OF A STARSHIP CLARK TRACEY....................SON OF THE MAN WHO OWNS THE LOCAL KEBAB TAKEAWAY (only allowed to put the pitta on the griddle) STAN TRACEY......................COMEDY SCRIPT WRITER WARREN VACHE..................SERBIAN WAR-LORD CHRISTIAN VAUGHAN..........LEADER OF THE YOUNG CONSERVATIVES EWAN VERNAL....................FRUIT MACHINE SUPPLIER ANDREA VICARI..................KENNEL-MAID DEREK WADSWORTH...........COMEDIAN SIMON WALLACE.................MORTICIAN ANITA WARDELL.................FEMALE RABBI RAY WARLEIGH...................MARINE BIOLOGIST STEVE WATERMAN..............GLASS-BLOWER MATT WATES.......................FIRST WORLD WAR POET STEVE WATTS.....................COLUMBIAN COKE DEALER JIM WATSON.......................DENMARK STREET GUITAR SALESMAN NICK WELDON....................BRITISH COUNCIL REPRESENTATIVE (PERU) DON WELLER.....................GREEK ORTHODOX PRIEST BOBBY WELLINS.................COURT JESTER PAT WHITE.........................GLAZIER ANNIE WHITEHEAD............THE LAST REMAINING GREENHAM COMMON PROTESTER TIM WHITEHEAD................SOCIAL WORKER TOMMY WHITTLE................WATCH AND CLOCK REPAIRER DAVE WICKENS..................EAST-END VILLAIN GARETH WILLIAMS.............SECRETARY OF THE YOUNG WELSH FARMER'S ASSOCIATION JOHN WILLIAMS (RECORDERS).....VICTORIAN BUTTERFLY COLLECTOR ROY WILLIAMS....................GEOGRAPHY TEACHER SARAH WILLIAMS................TELEVISION CAMERA OPERATOR ALEX WILSON......................STRIGILIST JOHN WILSON.....................ASSISTANT.."CURRY'S".....PUTNEY BRIDGE NORMA WINSTONE..............HOUSEWIFE VAL WISEMAN.....................HOTEL HOUSEKEEPER BOBBY WISHART.................BOXING TRAINER ( BUCKET, SPONGE, GUM-SHIELD ) ANDY WOOD........................DUTY MANAGER, HILTON PARK SERVICE STATION SIMON WOOLF.....................MONK BOBBY WORTH................... PREMIER LEAGUE FOOTBALL MANAGER (IF HE SWAPPED THE FAGS FOR CHEWING GUM) PICTURES OF SOME OF THESE MUSICIANS ARE ON THE contact & phoptographs PAGE, WHERE YOU CAN SEE THEM IN CONTEXT
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